I'm Pregnant (Open Diary)

I cannot believe my life.

I've contemplated keeping it to myself until it was visibly obvious, but I know that I would only be doing that out of fear of people's reactions. I think, no matter how people will look at me, God is still going to be glorified by this shift in my life. Please read this entire blog before you judge my situation.

Transparency is so important to me, so, I'll be the first to say that I don't know how I could allow this to happen. I let my guard down ..once.. and walked in on such a huge responsibility. Now I know for sure that one time is all it takes. Life is about to change. I'm about to have to give some things up. And although I'm better now, when I first found out, I could not. stop. crying ...terrified.

There is something inside of me that is growing. I think about how things will be after all these months are in the past and it makes me happy and afraid all at once. I'm expecting.

I'm happy because I know that I was born to love, and now I will be able to exercise that everyday of my life. I have a pretty solid relationship with the father and I'm happy because I know that I will be able to witness some incredible milestones. I have something to be proud of. Maybe my actions are not to be proud of, but I will be proud of the gift that is to come. Every back ache, I will give God glory. Every morning where I lay comfortable in my bed, but am awakened by the call of the body, will be for the glory of God. It doesn't hurt, now, half as much as I know it will, but even then, it will be for a purpose. The weariness is for a purpose. And though my condition is a product of my flesh and imperfection, my brokenness is for the glory of God. 

I am made for this. I was made to carry this. I know that it's a deeply beautiful and spiritual experience, but I can't get over the fact that I am about to be all stretched out and altered. I know there are some things that needed to be changed, but why this way? I may be wrong for asking, but why has God decided to teach me this way?

The Day I Broke Up With Him: Quicksand Sin

I don't know if he noticed that I started calling less. I would check in, but you know... I had other things to do. In any case, we spent so much time together already that we could have probably actually used some time apart. A spontaneous "I love you" text kept my feelings below the radar, but sometimes, I would just.. 

(commercial break)

I promise, promise, promise, we'll get back to the story.

I don't know about you, but when I'm close to God, I can FEEL it, although I have had to learn that the presence of God should not be determined based on a feeling (because frankly, He is everywhere at once.) Nonetheless, God has given us sensors for His presence: peace, joy, love, understanding, or His voice, even. At the same time, when I'm distant from God, I can feel that, too. I feel lack of the assurance and direction that the LORD brings. I feel tension and frustration and many, many times, I feel lost as if I had never known Him. Seriously, I would have to remind myself that I have had experiences with God that were not man made. Do you know that feeling?

BUT, HOW DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN?!

How does a consistent, faithful, and ever-present God become... not-so-present?

 I WILL TELL YOU, BUT FIRST, KNOW THIS:

God's presence does not leave. We leave His presence. WE LEAVE HIS PRESENCE. WHAT?!?! and I tell you, I have to ask myself

"Why would I ever distance myself from something so great?"

GET READY FOR THE WAY THIS HAPPENS.

That Time I Couldn't Pray (True Story) (Exclusive)

I heard somebody say a long time ago "you know you love em if you pray for them." I don't know how true that is depending on the content of the prayer, but I'm not here to talk about praying amiss. I mean.. it's definitely worth looking into. After you read this blog, Google search praying amiss; you might be enlightened about what you find.

A N Y W H O
IT'S STORY TIME!

I understood intercession in a completely new way during the year of 2014. I, initially, understood intercession as, simply, praying for somebody. If I plug their name in, boom, I'm interceding. Now, I wasn't totally wrong, but I wasn't as familiar with intercession as I was about to become. I can remember being so locked up behind grief, emotion, and lies of the enemy that I could not open my mouth. My mind would race with memories that baffled me so much that I became dumbfounded as to how to even pray. "Pray for what?" I believed that a situation, which was so powerful as to arrest my thoughts, wasn't relevant enough to pray about. Doesn't that sound like foolishness? Yes, the enemy fooled me. He tricked me; and this was before I even realized I had an enemy to be mindful of. 

Many nights, I sat in my room in silence, rehearsing every reason to be confused and angry with God. I walked around confused and angry. I washed the dishes confused and angry. I cleaned my room confused and angry. I washed my face confused and angry. I caught the bus confused and angry. I embodied confusion and anger to the point where I forgot why I was a believer to begin with. That's when I knew I was in hot water. 

Sometimes, knowing what's right is not enough though. Sometimes, life buries your conviction and your flame just goes out. All you have is melted wax and the scent from the last fire to show for it. I know the feeling. I will go so far as to say although we should not embrace this feeling, we should neither be condemned by this feeling. 

God is Faithful (Exclusive)

If He did it once, He'll do it again. 

GOD IS FAITHFUL

BORN TO LOVE : 4 MythBusters and Hurricane Katrina

New Orleans, Louisiana levee post Katrina, pre-reconstruction

We are born into a world of chaos and when we come to a certain age, we all attempt to make sense of the preexisting concept of love. Love was here before your eyes were fully developed, but it can take a lifetime to see it for what it is. If you're anything like me, you have grand epiphanies about it and how it relates to your life, but they are short-lived and overshadowed by reality --and that reality is that there is chaos in each and every one of our individual worlds. When I say chaos, I'm not talking about rain here, and there.. I'm talking hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis and tornadoes. Circumstances that have the power to leave your home broken and keepsakes destroyed. I'm talking situations that can take years to recover from. After destruction and devastation, the most pivotal thing that a person can do is rebuild and recover.

How we choose to rebuild can be traced back to how things were destroyed in the first place. For example, after the devastation of Hurricane Katrina in 2005 in the city of New Orleans, Louisiana, officials had to discuss the why. There were, and probably still are, many theories. All in all, people in power agreed that the levees, that were designed to control the flow of neighboring waters, failed. In fact, the storm itself, had not hit the city but because the levees were not built to sustain the type of force that Hurricane Katrina carried within her elements, the city was mournfully affected. With that being said, during post-Katrina efforts, it was a priority to not only rebuild the city, but to build levees that would be effective --$14 billion type of effective. Only a fool would rebuild the levees as they were before the storm given that the initial architecture was simply inadequate.

So, let's go back. After destruction and devastation, the most pivotal thing a person can do is rebuild and recover. Much like Hurricane Katrina to the city of New Orleans, circumstances hit our lives and while sometimes we can see it coming, we don't always expect the impact it will have. So, after an unexpected situation has enough impact to destroy everything you've known, the goal is to rebuild in such a way that will prevent it from happening again. In New Orleans, they built levees, in our lives, we build WALLS.

Emotional walls keep us from building and mending relationships (friends, family, etc). But essentially, that's why we built them. When bad friendships effect our lives, we don't want them anymore, so we build a wall and write "NO NEW FRIENDS" on it. When family members hurt us one too many times, we feel certain that if you can't trust family, then you can't trust anybody. We build a wall and write "CAN'T TRUST NOBODY" on it. After a while, we invest so much into these walls that not only are we not letting people in, but we can't get from behind it ourselves.

The Plan Didn't Work Out? When Everything Changes, This Is Your Next Step (Exclusive)

I like to know what's coming up ahead in life. I like plans and plan B's. I like to write things down and track progress or regression. I don't like when plan A and B both fall through, though. I tend to take it as an indication that I didn't do my homework, I missed a sign that was big as day and it's my fault for not thinking things all the way through.

Sometimes, I'm flexible with change. I can block the frustration out of my mind and keep kicking just in order to get where I gotta go. A few moments pass and I'm over it. But, sometimes change can be so detrimental to faith and philosophy of life that you feel stifled and stagnant. I have news: that's life :). It sucks, man. It sucks so much to know you've been aiming for the wrong target all this time. It sucks to think that God saw you looking at a destination knowing all this time that that wasn't the actual destination. At that point, what do you do? What do you do when your convictions and desires change? 

So, You're About To Give Up On God... (But Then You Read This) (Exclusive)

So, the thrill is gone, huh?

Are you confused, frustrated, or are you just angry? All of the above, or just one? If so, then GOOD! You're on your way to a broadened and deeper place in your faith. That's for whether you've been a believer for a while (1) or just getting started (2).

 

1. Just Getting Started

You might be at the very beginning stages of faith where you are believing God for your salvation, trusting Him to help you make the right decisions and believing Him for forgiveness when you give in to temptation. If that's you, I want to tell you to keep kicking!!! Keep going and please don't stop. Don't be discouraged because you made a mistake. The truth of the matter is, you will always make mistakes and God knew that before you even knew who He was. You may be tired of repenting for the same old things and feel that this life isn't for you. If that's you, I want to tell you this life does not come naturally to any of us! We all, everyday, sin and fall short of the glory of God. Some people may have you fooled but the truth is that God's standard is so perfect, that no man in flesh can measure up. 24 hours is plenty time to be lazy, self righteous, impatient, ungrateful, ignorant of God's presence, and a plethora of other things that are identified as sin in the Word of God. You beat yourself up behind cussing and having sex? By all means, invite The Lord to lift you out of those habits, but truth be told, all of these things are what Jesus died for. Don't think for one second that you are unfit to call yourself a believer. Commit to grow and you'll find yourself surprised at how far God has brought you. Sometimes we don't know how God feels about us, so we assume that He must be embarrassed or displeased. He may very well be displeased, but that's why He sent Jesus. It's been about His love for you despite His displeasure this whole time. Consecration in The Lord is a big step, but it's so necessary. It can be intimidating to think of going higher alone (with God). Do it anyway.

2. Been A Believer For A While

You say you've been saved for a while. You've been faithful and consistent and you finally feel like you have a personal relationship with The Lord. I mean, you feel like you really give it your best and you repent when you fall short. You accept forgiveness and you try harder next time, except it seems like the things you were promised of God are just not happening. The bible says that God wants you to prosper even as your soul prospers, but your bank account does not reflect that. You have hopes that have come directly from the Lord and sometimes you think "If it wasn't going to happen, why give it to me in the first place, God?" This faith thing has gotten HARD, huh? Good.. you're about to learn something new through this tough time. Real faith is more than just believing what God said. Real faith is preparing for what God said; and that's when the challenges get real. As long as you want to please God, you will have to go through and grow through your natural disposition, much like lifting weights. I won't tell you that serving God won't hurt, or that it'll be fun all the time. You will feel weary some seasons, but faith stands to say that God is worth it. Faith stands to say that God's promises are worth it and God is faithful to deliver. So, as you get the growing pains, you will get to know another dimension of God. You will understand His faithfulness. You will become more patient with Him. You will know His voice and be steadfast even when life is a blur.

The Good Fight of Faith

We all have to get to a point where we are sure of God's presence even without a fuzzy or itchy feeling. We all have to encounter God's joy even when we are not necessarily happy. We all have to know how to trust God whenever He shows us things that we'd never choose on our own. We all have to take advantage of the perfect peace that God promises. We have to expect the these things even with everything is all bad.

Hold on. Listen for God's voice every second of the day. Weather the storm. It will be worth it.

too much love,

youdontknowmebro

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